P & F – The Screenplay
I am presenting this story as a farce. It’s not intended to be erotic; it’s intended to be humorous to a very limited audience. I hope those who decide to read it like it.
I had an operation a couple of years back that had me housebound for a couple of weeks. Now those of you who have been in this situation know what daytime TV is all about: infomercials, soap operas and reruns. Even the news channels become redundant repeating the same news over and over every hour on the hour. Sunday TV also features preachers.
So I resorted to channel surfing and stumbled across a cartoon on the Disney Channel called Phineas and Ferb. On the surface it looks like a typical kid’s cartoon and crudely drawn at that (with the exception of one character). However, it is replete with cultural references your average 6 to 13-year-old crowd wouldn’t get. The show is aimed at the 30-somethings as well as their children. The humor is clean, but definitely aimed at adults.
I must have watched about a dozen or so episodes and found the show more interesting than what was currently on the other 299 channels.
My demented mind decided to come up with an X rated version of the show. I also wanted to try my hand at a screenplay format, something I’ve not done before.
If you have never seen the show, then this story will make absolutely no sense to you whatsoever. Either skip the story or first go find the show and watch a handful of episodes – you will quickly get familiar with the plot (which is the same in every show) and the characters (who do have unique personalities). You will enjoy the story better if you can put the voices behind the dialog below.
If you are a fan of the show, you have my apologies for ruining it forever for you.
And now for the usual disclaimers. This is a parody of the show produced solely for the enjoyment of my audience. No commercial use of the contents of this story is intended or allowed. The characters, settings and actions are the intellectual property of the Disney Corporation. I offer my apologies for besmirching them so much. No infringement is intended. Shake well before using and keep out of the hands of children.
“Give me a hand”
In the backyard
Phineas and Ferb are sitting under the tree in their backyard, reading magazines. Phineas shows the magazine to Ferb.
Gee Ferb, get a load of the bozongas on this one.
Ferb ogles the magazine.
Phineas keeps flipping through the pages showing them in turn to Ferb.
Or her … or her … or her
Isabella walks in.
Ferb and I are just reading some pornography
And it’s having a most profound physiological effect on our male anatomy.
Does he always talk like that?
Mostly he doesn’t talk at all; Ferb’s more a man of action. I think what he means to say is that this stuff is giving us a hard on that won’t go away.
Isabella smiles sweetly at Phineas with hearts in her eyes
Is there anything I can do to help?
Well, sometimes we give a monkey a shower and then we spank it, but usually we just jerk off.
Can I watch?
Of course, Isabella, in fact, bring your friends. I’ll invite Buford, Baljeet and Irving. We’ll make a party of it.
Oh that would be so nice. The girls and I can work on our masturbation patches.
Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today. Hey, where’s Perry?
Perry’s Mission briefing
Perry sneaks up to a mail slot on the side of a building. It reads, “Night Deposit.” The camera zooms back to reveal the wording above it: “Danville Sperm Bank.” Perry dons a platypus-sized condom and jumps in. He is whisked away through an anatomically correct representation of a woman’s reproductive system. He worms his way into an egg and the egg is deposited on his seat in his lair. He busts out of the egg and condom to receive his mission.
Major Monogram is on the big screen.
Ah, good morning Agent P. An interview with store clerks all over the Tri-State area indicates that Doctor Doofenshmirtz has been buying up all the KY Jelly he can get his hands on. We don’t know what slippery scheme he is up to. It’s up to you to find out and stop him.
Major Monogram addresses Carl off camera
Carl, could you stop that long enough to get me my sandwich, and for god’s sake, wash your hands before you do.
Perry salutes and the screen goes blank. Perry pushes the button on his chair to turn it into a one-person helicopter. He flies off.
Phineas and Ferb are working with wires and game controllers and such. Baljeet and Irving are already there. Isabella and the Fireside Girls arrive. Buford arrives.
Hey guys, whatcha doin’
Isabella elbows Buford in the ribs.
Don’t steal my line.
We’re building a remote control masturbator. Here, take a look at this.
Phineas operates a game controller. A mechanical hand starts moving in response to his input. The hand wiggles its fingers, waves hello, gives the OK sign, shoots the finger.
Nothing personal. We still have a few bugs to work out.
Phineas continues to operate the device, producing several shadow figures ending up with a man having intercourse with a woman.)
We figure you girls can make a game of this. Each of you can have a controller and a boy.
Isabella raises her hand and speaks up immediately.
I have Phineas!
The rest of the Fireside Girls pipe up simultaneously
I want Ferb!
Ferb, you babe magnet, you.
Ferb wiggles his eyebrows at the girls.
We can have a masturbation party; we’ll have a ball!
Why is it boys always need a ball to play a game? You can keep your balls. We girls just want to have fun
Stock view of Doofenshmeirz’s building. Jingle plays “Doofenshmeirz Evil Incorporated” Perry flies through and open window.
Ah, there you are Perry the Platypus. I’ve been meaning to fix the screen on that window for months. Your timing is impeccable and by impeccable I mean you can’t peck at it.
Doofenshmirtz presses a button and Perry is pushed against the wall by a piston that apparently comes out of nowhere and bound by clasps at the arms and legs on a St. Andrew’s Cross. Doofenshmirtz presses a big red button on a hand held controller to lock the clasps into place.
Got you Perry the Platypus! There will be no escaping for you this time.
Perry blinks at Doofenshmirtz
That’s it? That’s all the reaction I’m getting?
This is getting all too routine. Maybe we should take a vacation.
What? How come every time I get ready to do some evil, I get interrupted?
Doofenshmirtz answers the door. Two Fireside Girls (Millie and Katie) are standing there.
Hi mister, do you want some cookies?
The girls open up the top of their blazers to reveal their budding breasts
Then how about some cupcakes?
Maybe some other time. I’m kind of busy right now.
Doofenshmirtz closes the door.
I can’t believe I turned them down. I always like nibbling on those Fireside Girl cupcakes.
Doofenshmirtz returns to Perry
Anyway, before I explain to you my evil scheme, let me introduce you to my assistant.
Doofenshmirtz pushes a button and a door opens to reveal the silhouette of a woman holding a whip. As she steps into the room, it is revealed that it is his daughter, Vanessa, dressed in her usual Gothic style clothing except she is also wearing a strap-on dildo.
I’d like you to meet my daughter, Vanessa. I finally convinced her to take an interest in the family business.
Daddy, evil isn’t a business, and besides this is BDSM.BDSM isn’t evil, it’s just good clean fun.
Whatever. As long as you tell your mother you had a good time while you were here.
Vanessa looks at Perry
A platypus? Really? … Dad, is this the best you can do? Who wants a platypus, they don’t do much, you know?
Work with me darling. I’ll try to get you something better later. I promise.
And now Perry the Platypus, I reveal to you my latest invention: the Viagrainator!
DOOFENSHMIRTZ removes the cover to reveal a giant phallic shaped object mounted on a stand so it can be aimed in any direction.
With this machine, I will be able to cause every man in the Tri-State area to have an instant erection. And what’s he going to do with it? Hmmm? I have cornered the market on KY-Jelly. I’ll be rich, rich, rich.
Perry makes no response.
And why would I want to do this, you ask? … Well, you don’t ask, you’re a platypus so you can’t talk, but I’ll tell you anyway.
Quick flashback to a young Doofenshmirtz dressed as a lawn gnome standing in front of this childhood home.
Back in Gimmelschtump, when I was a little boy, my father noticed this thing sticking out in front of my costume as I was standing guard as a lawn gnome. He thought that it would interfere with my fiercesome appearance and my ability to scare away trolls and other nasty things. So he put me in a chastity device. Oh I could tell you how frustrating that was … but maybe some other time … I have to get back to my scheme to take over the Tri-State Area.
Anyway, all I have to do is unleash my Viagrainator and all men will feel the same frustration I felt!
Back in the garage
The boys are naked with the mechanical hands poised in front of their penises waiting. The girls are sitting facing them with their controllers in their hands and fingers on the buttons.
No wonder boys run faster than girls, they have ball bearings and a stick shift.
The boys look around checking out each other’s “equipment.” Phineas and Ferb are about average, while Buford is on the small side and Baljeet is exceptionally well endowed.
Well, now I know why you’re so puny; half of what you eat goes into supporting your dick.
If you got it, flaunt it. Remember it is my people who are the ones who wrote the Karma Sutra.
Well, you know what they say, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
Baljeet points at Buford’s penis.
That is not a dog, it is a wiener.
Fireside girls giggle.
Candice walks in.
What’s this? Why are you boys naked? Ooh, Baljeet!
Oh, hi Candice. Ferb and I and the boys are helping the girls get their masturbation patches.
Wait until I tell mom. You guys are going to be so busted.
Phineas seems unconcerned with the threat.
We got a couple of spare controllers, are you sure you don’t want to play. You’ll have to get your own boy though. We’ve kinda short on penises here. Some of us shorter than others.
Phinias shoots a glance at Buford.
I … I …
Candice has a quick mental image of her confronting Jeremy with a controller. She giggles uncontrollably. The mental image dissolves and she is back in the garage.
I’ll take two. I just want to have fun and Stacy might just want to have some fun too. Um, can those fingers like go into something instead of wrapping around it?
Of course they can and they can be programmed to vibrate as well.
Where can I get one?
Phineas points to a pile of controllers.
Help yourself, sis.
Just how many of these things did you make?
Oh, I don’t know. Ferb and I just got carried away. That happens to us sometimes, you know.
Yes. Yes, I do know.
Candice takes a couple of controllers and leaves.
Isabella picks up her Fireside Girl Handbook and addresses her troop.
Now girls, turn to the section of your handbook on using remotely-controlled mechanical hands to masturbate boys.
As the girls page through their manuals, Isabella turns to the boys.
Are you boys ready?
Phineas looks up and down the line of erected penises.
Everyone is at attention. We’re as ready as we’ll ever be.
Girls, start your controllers!
The girls operate the game controllers and the mechanical hands come to life, and each grabbing a penis and jerking it off.
Vanessa is busy putting clothes pins onto Perry’s nipples. Perry wiggles in his restraints and the clothes pins fly off in every direction. One of them hits the controller that controls the locks on his shackles, releasing him.
Perry assumes a karate stance.
Perry the Platypus, you weren’t supposed to get free so quickly.
DOOFENSHMIRTZ picks up a copy of the script and started thumbing through it muttering
Let me see, flies through window … St. Andrews Cross … Vanessa … Viagrainator … clothes pins … Ah, here it is! You were supposed to wait until Vanessa whipped you with her tawse. I haven’t even had a chance to change the settings on my Viagrainator and show the audience the obligatory self-destruct button. You’re jumping the script, Perry. I can’t have that.
Vanessa, how could you let this happen?
Like duh, dad. He’s a platypus, there’s not much to work with there. This is lame. I’m outta here.
Perry looks dejected
No offense. I mean you don’t even wear pants and I still can’t find it. Why don’t you find a nice girl platypus, settle down and lay a couple of eggs.
Dad, can I go now?
Of course, dear. Say hello to your mother for me.
Perry and DOOFENSHMIRTZ struggle. In the process, they continuously bump into the Viagrainator turning it on and pointing it in random directions. Various street scenes show the ray striking men and erections popping up in their clothes.
Back in the garage
The boys are sitting there with the mechanical hands no longer on their deflated penises. Pools of cum sit in front of them. The boys are leaning back with relaxed smiles on their faces.
That was great, girls. I don’t think I have a drop of cum left in me.
Say, aren’t you boys too young to ejaculate?
Why yes, yes we are.
But what do you expect? This is, after all, a fantasy cartoon. Do you think we’d actually be able to build all our fantastic schemes in real life? After all, if we can violate the laws of physics on a daily basis, why not bend the laws of biology as well?
Isabella and the girls look sad.
That was fun. I wish we could do it again right now.
At this moment, the Viagrainator beam hits the boys. Their erections return.
Well Ferb, I know what we’re going to do again today.
Perry kicks the Viagrainator aiming it at the boiler in Doofenshmirtz’s lab. He jumps out the window and deploys his signature parachute. Doofenshmirtz looks out the window after him.
That’s it Perry the Platypus? Giving up so easily? Why nothing has even exploded yet.
View of the boiler getting “erected” Explosion follows. A column of water goes flying through the air. View of building with top blown off.
Why do I keep saying such things? The insurance company isn’t going to believe this. It’s like what? … the third time this week?
Doofenshmirtz raises his arm and waves a clenched fist.
Curse you, Perry the Platypus!
Back in the garage
The boys are getting dressed. There are even larger pools of cum on the floor.
Wow, what a mess!
Well, jerking off usually isn’t a very clean process. It keeps the Kleenex company in business.
How are we going to clean all this up?
Don’t worry about it. Something will come along. Something always comes along.
The column of water from the explosion hits the garage and washes away controllers, mechanical hands, pools of cum and all evidence of the masturbation party. As the water recedes, it reveals Perry has been apparently deposited in the garage too.
Oh, there you are, Perry.
Candice arrives dragging her mother behind her.
Look, mom. Look!
Oh, that’s nice the kids cleaned out the garage.
But, but, but …
Who’s up for some pie?