P & F – The Screenplay (A satirical Phineas and Ferb screenplay.)

P & F – The Screenplay

By NAMB
Author’s Notes:

 

I am presenting this story as a farce. It’s not intended to be erotic; it’s intended to be humorous to a very limited audience. I hope those who decide to read it like it.

 

I had an operation a couple of years back that had me housebound for a couple of weeks. Now those of you who have been in this situation know what daytime TV is all about: infomercials, soap operas and reruns. Even the news channels become redundant repeating the same news over and over every hour on the hour. Sunday TV also features preachers.

 

So I resorted to channel surfing and stumbled across a cartoon on the Disney Channel called Phineas and Ferb. On the surface it looks like a typical kid’s cartoon and crudely drawn at that (with the exception of one character). However, it is replete with cultural references your average 6 to 13-year-old crowd wouldn’t get. The show is aimed at the 30-somethings as well as their children. The humor is clean, but definitely aimed at adults.

 

I must have watched about a dozen or so episodes and found the show more interesting than what was currently on the other 299 channels.

 

My demented mind decided to come up with an X rated version of the show. I also wanted to try my hand at a screenplay format, something I’ve not done before.

 

If you have never seen the show, then this story will make absolutely no sense to you whatsoever. Either skip the story or first go find the show and watch a handful of episodes – you will quickly get familiar with the plot (which is the same in every show) and the characters (who do have unique personalities). You will enjoy the story better if you can put the voices behind the dialog below.

 

If you are a fan of the show, you have my apologies for ruining it forever for you.

 

And now for the usual disclaimers. This is a parody of the show produced solely for the enjoyment of my audience. No commercial use of the contents of this story is intended or allowed. The characters, settings and actions are the intellectual property of the Disney Corporation. I offer my apologies for besmirching them so much. No infringement is intended. Shake well before using and keep out of the hands of children.

 

 

“Give me a hand”

by

NAMB

 

 

FAde In:

In the backyard

Phineas and Ferb are sitting under the tree in their backyard, reading magazines. Phineas shows the magazine to Ferb.

Phineas

Gee Ferb, get a load of the bozongas on this one.

Ferb ogles the magazine.

Phineas keeps flipping through the pages showing them in turn to Ferb.

Phineas

Or her … or her … or her

Isabella walks in.

ISABELLA

Whatcha doin’?

Phineas

Ferb and I are just reading some pornography

Ferb

And it’s having a most profound physiological effect on our male anatomy.

Isabella

Does he always talk like that?

Phineas

Mostly he doesn’t talk at all; Ferb’s more a man of action. I think what he means to say is that this stuff is giving us a hard on that won’t go away.

Isabella smiles sweetly at Phineas with hearts in her eyes

ISabella

Is there anything I can do to help?

Phineas

Well, sometimes we give a monkey a shower and then we spank it, but usually we just jerk off.

ISABELLA

Can I watch?

Phineas

Of course, Isabella, in fact, bring your friends. I’ll invite Buford, Baljeet and Irving. We’ll make a party of it.

Isabella

Oh that would be so nice. The girls and I can work on our masturbation patches.

Phineas

Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today. Hey, where’s Perry?

Perry’s Mission briefing

Perry sneaks up to a mail slot on the side of a building. It reads, “Night Deposit.” The camera zooms back to reveal the wording above it: “Danville Sperm Bank.” Perry dons a platypus-sized condom and jumps in. He is whisked away through an anatomically correct representation of a woman’s reproductive system. He worms his way into an egg and the egg is deposited on his seat in his lair. He busts out of the egg and condom to receive his mission.

Major Monogram is on the big screen.

Major Monogram

Ah, good morning Agent P. An interview with store clerks all over the Tri-State area indicates that Doctor Doofenshmirtz has been buying up all the KY Jelly he can get his hands on. We don’t know what slippery scheme he is up to. It’s up to you to find out and stop him.

Major Monogram addresses Carl off camera

major monogram

Carl, could you stop that long enough to get me my sandwich, and for god’s sake, wash your hands before you do.

Perry salutes and the screen goes blank. Perry pushes the button on his chair to turn it into a one-person helicopter. He flies off.

THe Garage

Phineas and Ferb are working with wires and game controllers and such. Baljeet and Irving are already there. Isabella and the Fireside Girls arrive. Buford arrives.

buford

Hey guys, whatcha doin’

Isabella elbows Buford in the ribs.

isabella

Don’t steal my line.

phineas

We’re building a remote control masturbator. Here, take a look at this.

Phineas operates a game controller. A mechanical hand starts moving in response to his input. The hand wiggles its fingers, waves hello, gives the OK sign, shoots the finger.

Phineas

Nothing personal. We still have a few bugs to work out.

Phineas continues to operate the device, producing several shadow figures ending up with a man having intercourse with a woman.)

Phineas:

We figure you girls can make a game of this. Each of you can have a controller and a boy.

Isabella raises her hand and speaks up immediately.

Isabella

I have Phineas!

The rest of the Fireside Girls pipe up simultaneously

Fireside Girls

I want Ferb!

Phineas

Ferb, you babe magnet, you.

Ferb wiggles his eyebrows at the girls.

Phineas

We can have a masturbation party; we’ll have a ball!

gretchen

Why is it boys always need a ball to play a game? You can keep your balls. We girls just want to have fun

DooFenshmeirz’s Lab

Stock view of Doofenshmeirz’s building. Jingle plays “Doofenshmeirz Evil Incorporated” Perry flies through and open window.

doofenshmirtz

Ah, there you are Perry the Platypus. I’ve been meaning to fix the screen on that window for months. Your timing is impeccable and by impeccable I mean you can’t peck at it.

Doofenshmirtz presses a button and Perry is pushed against the wall by a piston that apparently comes out of nowhere and bound by clasps at the arms and legs on a St. Andrew’s Cross. Doofenshmirtz presses a big red button on a hand held controller to lock the clasps into place.

doofenshmirtz

Got you Perry the Platypus! There will be no escaping for you this time.

Perry blinks at Doofenshmirtz

doofenshmirtz

That’s it? That’s all the reaction I’m getting?

Doofenshmirtz sighs

Doofenshmirtz

This is getting all too routine. Maybe we should take a vacation.

Doorbell Rings

Doofenshmirtz

What? How come every time I get ready to do some evil, I get interrupted?

Doofenshmirtz answers the door. Two Fireside Girls (Millie and Katie) are standing there.

Millie

Hi mister, do you want some cookies?

Doofenshmirtz

No.

The girls open up the top of their blazers to reveal their budding breasts

millie

Then how about some cupcakes?

doofenshmirtz

Maybe some other time. I’m kind of busy right now.

Doofenshmirtz closes the door.

doofenshmirtz

I can’t believe I turned them down. I always like nibbling on those Fireside Girl cupcakes.

Doofenshmirtz returns to Perry

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Anyway, before I explain to you my evil scheme, let me introduce you to my assistant.

Doofenshmirtz pushes a button and a door opens to reveal the silhouette of a woman holding a whip. As she steps into the room, it is revealed that it is his daughter, Vanessa, dressed in her usual Gothic style clothing except she is also wearing a strap-on dildo.

doofenshmirtz

I’d like you to meet my daughter, Vanessa. I finally convinced her to take an interest in the family business.

vanessa

Daddy, evil isn’t a business, and besides this is BDSM.BDSM isn’t evil, it’s just good clean fun.

doofenshmirtz

Whatever. As long as you tell your mother you had a good time while you were here.

Vanessa looks at Perry

Vanessa

A platypus? Really? … Dad, is this the best you can do? Who wants a platypus, they don’t do much, you know?

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Work with me darling. I’ll try to get you something better later. I promise.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

And now Perry the Platypus, I reveal to you my latest invention: the Viagrainator!

DOOFENSHMIRTZ removes the cover to reveal a giant phallic shaped object mounted on a stand so it can be aimed in any direction.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

With this machine, I will be able to cause every man in the Tri-State area to have an instant erection. And what’s he going to do with it? Hmmm? I have cornered the market on KY-Jelly. I’ll be rich, rich, rich.

Perry makes no response.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

And why would I want to do this, you ask? … Well, you don’t ask, you’re a platypus so you can’t talk, but I’ll tell you anyway.

Quick flashback to a young Doofenshmirtz dressed as a lawn gnome standing in front of this childhood home.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Back in Gimmelschtump, when I was a little boy, my father noticed this thing sticking out in front of my costume as I was standing guard as a lawn gnome. He thought that it would interfere with my fiercesome appearance and my ability to scare away trolls and other nasty things. So he put me in a chastity device. Oh I could tell you how frustrating that was … but maybe some other time … I have to get back to my scheme to take over the Tri-State Area.

End flashback.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Anyway, all I have to do is unleash my Viagrainator and all men will feel the same frustration I felt!

Back in the garage

The boys are naked with the mechanical hands poised in front of their penises waiting. The girls are sitting facing them with their controllers in their hands and fingers on the buttons.

Gretchen giggles

gretchen

No wonder boys run faster than girls, they have ball bearings and a stick shift.

The boys look around checking out each other’s “equipment.” Phineas and Ferb are about average, while Buford is on the small side and Baljeet is exceptionally well endowed.

Buford

Well, now I know why you’re so puny; half of what you eat goes into supporting your dick.

Baljeet

If you got it, flaunt it. Remember it is my people who are the ones who wrote the Karma Sutra.

 

Buford

Well, you know what they say, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Baljeet points at Buford’s penis.

 

Baljeet

That is not a dog, it is a wiener.

Fireside girls giggle.

Candice walks in.

Candice

What’s this? Why are you boys naked? Ooh, Baljeet!

 

Phineas

Oh, hi Candice. Ferb and I and the boys are helping the girls get their masturbation patches.

Candice

Wait until I tell mom. You guys are going to be so busted.

Phineas seems unconcerned with the threat.

Phineas

We got a couple of spare controllers, are you sure you don’t want to play. You’ll have to get your own boy though. We’ve kinda short on penises here. Some of us shorter than others.

Phinias shoots a glance at Buford.

Buford

Hey!

Candice

I … I …

Candice has a quick mental image of her confronting Jeremy with a controller. She giggles uncontrollably. The mental image dissolves and she is back in the garage.

Candice

I’ll take two. I just want to have fun and Stacy might just want to have some fun too. Um, can those fingers like go into something instead of wrapping around it?

phineas

Of course they can and they can be programmed to vibrate as well.

candice

Where can I get one?

Phineas points to a pile of controllers.

Phineas

Help yourself, sis.

candice

Just how many of these things did you make?

phineas

Oh, I don’t know. Ferb and I just got carried away. That happens to us sometimes, you know.

Chandice

Yes. Yes, I do know.

Candice takes a couple of controllers and leaves.

Isabella picks up her Fireside Girl Handbook and addresses her troop.

isabella

Now girls, turn to the section of your handbook on using remotely-controlled mechanical hands to masturbate boys.

As the girls page through their manuals, Isabella turns to the boys.

Isabella

Are you boys ready?

Phineas looks up and down the line of erected penises.

Phineas

Everyone is at attention. We’re as ready as we’ll ever be.

Isabella

Girls, start your controllers!

The girls operate the game controllers and the mechanical hands come to life, and each grabbing a penis and jerking it off.

Doofenshmirtz’s Lab

Vanessa is busy putting clothes pins onto Perry’s nipples. Perry wiggles in his restraints and the clothes pins fly off in every direction. One of them hits the controller that controls the locks on his shackles, releasing him.

Perry assumes a karate stance.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Perry the Platypus, you weren’t supposed to get free so quickly.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ picks up a copy of the script and started thumbing through it muttering

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Let me see, flies through window … St. Andrews Cross … Vanessa … Viagrainator … clothes pins … Ah, here it is! You were supposed to wait until Vanessa whipped you with her tawse. I haven’t even had a chance to change the settings on my Viagrainator and show the audience the obligatory self-destruct button. You’re jumping the script, Perry. I can’t have that.

 

Vanessa, how could you let this happen?

Vanessa

Like duh, dad. He’s a platypus, there’s not much to work with there. This is lame. I’m outta here.

Perry looks dejected

vanessa

No offense. I mean you don’t even wear pants and I still can’t find it. Why don’t you find a nice girl platypus, settle down and lay a couple of eggs.

Dad, can I go now?

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Of course, dear. Say hello to your mother for me.

Vanessa leaves.

Perry and DOOFENSHMIRTZ struggle. In the process, they continuously bump into the Viagrainator turning it on and pointing it in random directions. Various street scenes show the ray striking men and erections popping up in their clothes.

Back in the garage

The boys are sitting there with the mechanical hands no longer on their deflated penises. Pools of cum sit in front of them. The boys are leaning back with relaxed smiles on their faces.

Phineas

That was great, girls. I don’t think I have a drop of cum left in me.

Isabella

Say, aren’t you boys too young to ejaculate?

Phineas

Why yes, yes we are.

Ferb

But what do you expect? This is, after all, a fantasy cartoon. Do you think we’d actually be able to build all our fantastic schemes in real life? After all, if we can violate the laws of physics on a daily basis, why not bend the laws of biology as well?

Isabella and the girls look sad.

Isabella

That was fun. I wish we could do it again right now.

At this moment, the Viagrainator beam hits the boys. Their erections return.

Phineas

Well Ferb, I know what we’re going to do again today.

Doofenshmirtz’s lab

Perry kicks the Viagrainator aiming it at the boiler in Doofenshmirtz’s lab. He jumps out the window and deploys his signature parachute. Doofenshmirtz looks out the window after him.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

That’s it Perry the Platypus? Giving up so easily? Why nothing has even exploded yet.

View of the boiler getting “erected” Explosion follows. A column of water goes flying through the air. View of building with top blown off.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Why do I keep saying such things? The insurance company isn’t going to believe this. It’s like what? … the third time this week?

Doofenshmirtz raises his arm and waves a clenched fist.

 

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Back in the garage

The boys are getting dressed. There are even larger pools of cum on the floor.

isabella

Wow, what a mess!

Phineas

Well, jerking off usually isn’t a very clean process. It keeps the Kleenex company in business.

Isabella

How are we going to clean all this up?

Phineas

Don’t worry about it. Something will come along. Something always comes along.

The column of water from the explosion hits the garage and washes away controllers, mechanical hands, pools of cum and all evidence of the masturbation party. As the water recedes, it reveals Perry has been apparently deposited in the garage too.

Phineas

Oh, there you are, Perry.

Candice arrives dragging her mother behind her.

candice

Look, mom. Look!

Linda

Oh, that’s nice the kids cleaned out the garage.

Candice

But, but, but …

Linda

Who’s up for some pie?

 

FAde Out:

The End

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