Look, sex is great. And being sexy is great.
But most of the stereotypically ‘sexy’ things – heels, thigh highs, fancy underwear – really aren’t that wonderful in real life.
Let’s just admit it, and stop pressuring ourselves to enjoy these weird, decidedly unsexy things.
Anyone getting genuinely titillated over a nip slip needs to sort their life out.
Sure, nips can be great during foreplay or when people do the deliberate nipple outline through a top thing. But context-free nipples reeeally aren’t that exciting. We all have ’em. Calm your tits.
2. Shower sex
Oh, it sounds like such a great idea. Then you’ve got water up your nose and you can’t find a good position and you fall down and smack your chin on the side of the bath.
Pretty much the least sexy sex you can attempt.
3. Not wearing any underwear
She leaned over the table, beckoning him closer. ‘I’m not wearing any underwear,’ she said, seductively.
‘Oh. Nice. Wait, does that mean your bits are just pressed up against that public chair right now? That sounds… comfortable.’
For years we have been told that heels are sexy, that they make our bum look amazing and our legs look miles long. And yes, they do.
Not the soothing face mask kind. The one where a guy thinks it would be the hottest thing ever to aim his bodily excretions at another person’s face.
Let’s not even get into wondering why and how this ever became a sexy idea, beyond ‘they do it in porn and watching porn makes my penis feel nice.’
Remember that no matter how hot it seems, whoever’s on the receiving end will then have to reach out for a tissue as they keep their eyes screwed shut, then sit, naked, and wipe off their face. STEAMY.
Popular in men’s magazines, weirdly sexual adverts, and 50 Shades of Grey. In real life, it just makes you look like a weird person nibbling on dead skin.
7. Thigh high stockings
Should be super sexy, in that glamorous retro way.
Except most people do have human flesh on their thighs, meaning that anything that ends up the leg will automatically result in bulging.
Or you can go up a size, and constantly pull them up. AM I SEXY YET?
8. Wet T-shirts
Also popular in men’s magazines. And Rolling Stone. Is catching a chill sexy to you, men? Is mucus sexy? Take a look at your life choices.
Can’t breathe, dude.
Ooooh, simultaneous pleasure. Except neither of you can get your head in the game, you’re both moving around too much, and both of you would much prefer to just lie back and let the other one do the work for a bit.
And that’s only if your heights actually measure up. And if you can find a comfortable position. not worth the bother.
Bloody safety hazard, tbh.
12. Drinking beer
‘My dream girl is someone who’s just one of the guys, you know? Someone who drinks beer and loves sport.’
Do you secretly want to sleep with your male best friend? Don’t judge my cocktail preferences, you little weasel.
13. Big boobs
Backache, stretch marks, expensive bras, difficulty wearing clothes. Need I go on?
14. Titwanking, boobjacking, or breasturbating. Whatever horrifying term you want to call it.
Fairly confident that every woman has given in and tried this once, realised it is the most awkward thing in the WORLD, and then vowed to never do it again.
Because breasts typically have a gap in between. One of you will have to hold your breasts together. And then the guy will thrust his penis in between dry lumps of flesh instead of your warm inviting vagina. You will also have to gaze at his stomach the entire time.
No good can come of this.
15. Putting on a condom with your mouth
Lips over teeth, kind of like you’re an elderly person with false teeth in a jar by the side of the bed.
Or like you’ve momentarily lost the use of your arms. Sensual.
16. Beach sex
SAND IN PLACES.
Look, I get that some people are really turned on by feet and I’m not going to judge that. Whatever gets you off.
But the sheer volume of foot fetishists means feet are overrated. Every female celeb has their feet as a top search term. Give some other random body parts a shot, people.
18. Plane sex
Oh yes, let’s make love standing up next to this filthy box of other people’s poop.
Oh yes, drizzle honey over my naked body. Or don’t, because it’s sticky and horrible and food is for eating.
20. Lasting for AGES
Not finishing in under a minute and leaving everyone disappointed. Still going after an hour, usually not that great.
Everyone’s tired. It’s starting to get a bit sore. It’s edging towards being boring. Let’s go to sleep now.
21. Being super flexible
‘She can get her legs right over her head.’
Cool. Does your dick feel any better? Has the novelty of ‘ooh, we are in an unusual position’ worn off yet?
22. Bodycon dresses
It’s basically like you’re looking at the outline of her body, but she’s got a dress on. Sexy.
You know what might be even ~sExIEr~? Mystery. And being able to breathe, free of two layers of Spanx.
23. Being all breathy and helpless
Asking a big strong man to help you might seem kind of cute the first time, when you genuinely need help opening a jar.
But then you start to seem like a bit of an idiot who doesn’t know how to do basic human things. Not sexy.
You know what is sexy: being an independent woman. And feminism.
I don’t know when or why looking like a petulant toddler became a sexy thing. It’s really not.
25. Penis compliments
‘Praise his penis. Stroke his ego. And his penis.’
You know how awkward praising a guy’s dick sounds after a while? It’s really not that great.
26. 50 Shades of Grey
Oooooh long drawn out contract negotiations really get people going.
28. Big penises
A moment of HOORAY, followed by ouch, oh, and ‘hmm, it’s actually difficult to do that when you’re really big.’
29. Road head
Mmmhmm. Sure. Or we could wait until we’re inside, not moving, and I don’t have to awkwardly jam my head underneath a steering wheel?
30. Long flowing mermaid hair
Yep, it’s in your mouth, over my face, and getting everywhere.
Bonus: Finding strands wedged between your butt cheeks. Seductive.
31. When people are like ‘God, you’re sexy. I want you so bad’
Great fantasy. In real life it’s just a lot of pressure.
32. Sexy underwear
Are you aroused by this tiny lace window to my nipple? Oh, you’d prefer it if I just wasn’t wearing anything.